Monday, March 01, 2004

"Life is often so unpleasant/You must know that, as a peasant" 

In the mood for some misanthropy, I decided to skip the long and self-indulgent teenage rants and get straight to the strong stuff. I Hate Music is a good enough fix in the absence of specific people-hate, and today's post yields an excellent discussion of the merits of The Sound Of Music:

Three and a half hours long! There are pregnant women in labour who don’t suffer for that long... [Maria] is a mentally damaged imbicile [sic] and should not be left to look after six children. Especially children who turn twee into an artform. Much like Maria turns curtains into clothes. Do you remember the kid whose mum made him clothes out of curtains at school. No, me neither - I guess I repressed his tragic suicide from my mind.

...As for Captain Von Trapp of the Austrian Navy. Austria is land locked. He just putts a few yachts around Lake Geneva. So we have a failed Nun, a pointless captain and a family of halfwitted children (especially the youngest one with a face like a sprout) - versus the Nazi’s. Am I really the only one cheering on the Nazi’s here? Go Rolf, go.

Apart from this enjoyment, though, there is challenge offered up - Tanya thinks that 'the lonely goatherd' and 'Table D’Hôte heard' together form 'possibly the worst rhyme in musical history'. It could be, but I'm willing to look for others.

There are many rich sources (Annie springs to mind) but I think to qualify on the grounds set down the rhymes must not only be awful - there are simply too many candidates - but cruel and unusual, as with 'table d'hote heard'. So here goes (in no particular order):

~ "Paris is so sexy/Riding in a taxi/Gives me apoplexy" - Victor/Victoria
~ "You'll open wide him?/(I'll subdivide him!)" - Camelot
~ "Will it be birds in spring or hara-kiri/Don't worry deary" - Follies
~ "Oh Noah/You go-a/All the way back to the protozoa" - Children Of Eden
~ "No one cares for you a smidge/When you're in an orphanage"- Annie

More suggestions welcome - that is, if anyone else is foolish enough to have listened to enough musicals to know...

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